I almost wasn’t going to post a blog entry tonight, then I remembered my goal setting blog from earlier this week and decided I needed to at least make a short entry just to stay on track. My intention was not to write much. I briefly considered writing a poem. I used to be pretty good at that. It was only a brief consideration, because one doesn’t just sit down and tackle poetry after a twenty year absence…on a whim. Besides, I am not nearly depressed enough to whip out a poem. Every poem I ever wrote came out of grief and loneliness. That thought led me to remember the last time I was in any frame of mind tragic enough for poetry.
So instead of being a lazy blog just for the sake of fulfilling a goal, what came out tonight ended up being very personal. You’ve been warned.
I once wrote a book about losing my mind and, along the way, my innocence. At the time, I was madly–tragically–in love with a very dark, very conflicted Catholic boy who didn’t love me back, who told me when I broke up with him that it was a relief. “Every time I look at you,” he said, “I am reminded of my failure to G-d.” That’s some serious guilt to lay on a nineteen year old girl! After every night we spent together, he reviled himself–sometimes for hours–for giving into temptation and committed to never, ever, ever doing it again. I was young and naive, and, every time, I believed him. Twice a week. For six months.
Some time after the affair was over, I wrote a book called Losing It, a tale of a destructive first love and unhealthy obsession inspired by my experience. As those of you who’ve read my bio know, I wrote my first novel on wide-ruled paper with a No. 2 pencil. This one, I wrote on college-ruled, and never got around to transcribing. One night, in an act of symbolic ‘letting go,’ I burned it.
Nearly twenty years later, I look back on this time in my life and think:
- How was I ever, EVER that freaking naive?
- Thank G-d that very dark, very conflicted Catholic boy did not love me back. I could never have published Blood Toy under that kind of judgement.
- But most importantly… Why in the HELL did I burn a whole NOVEL without making a copy? (I would so publish that thing now just for the heck of it.)
Well, you’ll never be able to read Losing It, but you can download Blood Toy today:)